Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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