I am in a vortex of obligation.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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