I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
