in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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