grandma shit on top of the toilet
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
