just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
