Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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