Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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