swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
tell me about the fingering
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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