After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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