Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I need help removing her.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
