I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
