Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
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