Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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