I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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