I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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