Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
