If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
