Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
