I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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