does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize