I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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