i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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