yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
