My friends, they love my intelligence
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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