i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
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