shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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