she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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