i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
