I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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