I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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