i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize