He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
