i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
smell my finger.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Randomize
