I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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