haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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