No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
