I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
