I'm sorry my penis didn't work
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
