so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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