Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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