she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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