so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
