I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
