My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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