I think I won the penis lottery.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize