Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Drunk is not a location!
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
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