Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
