My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
