I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize