from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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