I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
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