In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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