My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
