I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
