My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
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