what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
